An Additional Pack Member

So if you haven't heard the news by now, Brett and I are expecting. Our little one is due around March 24th which makes me 18 weeks pregnant. We’re very excited, but with a healthy dose of trepidation.  As many of you know, I never wanted children before I met Brett.  I found (and to some extent still find) children to be very… unfamiliar and uncomfortable.  I don’t speak their language.  Dogs I get.  I can read dogs and I know how to respond.  I know how to take care of dogs and I know how to toe the line between firm pack leader and snuggle-monster. And dogs pick up on that and are mostly comfortable with me.

With kids, I just feel so off balance.  I know some of my friends who are so good with kids.  It seems like they’re just so comfortable, they get right in there and know what to say and how to react.  I just don’t have that… not naturally.  “Kid” isn’t a native language for me.  And kids pick up on that, they’re excellent at body language since they haven’t perfected oral language yet.  They know I’m uncomfortable and that makes them uncomfortable.
 
But a few have things changed my mind:

1)    my dogs: Someone told me once, “You know, you’ll love your baby more than your dogs.”  My first thought was, “This person obviously has no idea how deeply I love my dogs.” But over time, it slowly (very slowly) dawned on me that maybe I’ll love my kid as much as my dogs.  Maybe in the same way.  Maybe if I’m good at being a doggie mommy, it increases my odds of being a good human mommy.  I just feel so comfortable around them.  Like I can completely be myself (all faults included). But maybe I’ll feel like that with my kid.  But it was still hard to imagine being that comfortable with a human kid.

2)    Kiley:  When I first became a step-mom, I remember feeling very overwhelmed and scared.  But as I got to know Kiley, I came to respect and adore her.  She is truly one of the best people I’ve ever met.  And after a while, I didn’t “think” about it anymore.  Kiley and I developed our own type friendship and I genuinely loved being around her and laughing with her and creating our own adventures together.  Like I said, I respect and love her.  I always thought this was just because she was such a great person.  And to a large extent, that’s true.  But then it crept in my mind… maybe I had a little bit to do with that.  Her own inner light and her family get the credit there, but maybe our relationship always felt (and continues to feel) strong because I was doing some things right.  I began to doubt that I would totally fail as a parent.

3)    Evan and Caitlin: I always found kids strange and unreadable.  But as I’ve gotten to know my niece and nephew, I’m getting to know them as individuals.  I’m learning their personalities, their body language, their limits, their surprising insights… Kids are less intimidating when you know them, truly know them as individual beings.  It doesn’t feel like just one big chaotic mess of kid behavior.  You see individual patterns, you learn how to work with them.  You learn (through trial and error) how to discipline without making them feel unloved, and how to develop respect for each other. I love watching them develop as people.

 

4)    my relationship with Brett: As I grew to know and love Brett, I became more comfortable with myself.  I began to trust my instincts more and to not always assume that somehow something was wrong and it was my fault.  We create happiness together.  He perfectly balances out the places where I’m not quite as strong, and I really hope I do the same for him.  And I began to think that maybe the two of us, if we united our powers, could have a >50/50 chance of putting out a happy, enlightened, balanced human being. I wouldn’t have thought myself capable of such a thing until I met Brett.  Now I think we are capable of it. 

I’m not going to lie and say I’m never scared anymore.  Today is a good day, but there are days that I wonder, “What if I just don’t like my kid?”  I never really “dislike” my dogs even when they’re monsters.  I get frustrated and want to spank them, but I never dislike who they are.  I don’t ever want my child to feel like I disapprove of who they are.  But of course I’m going to worry about not liking him/her, because the baby in me doesn’t feel like an individual person yet.  It’s just this being that will soon be taking over our lives.  But I know that as s/he and I get to know each other, as the six of us become our own new little pack, I will develop the same deep love and respect for who s/he is as a person. 

So I’m looking forward to meeting and getting to know this new person.  I think s/he will challenge me to grow in ways that I could not on my own. Cesar Milan says, “You don’t get the dog you want, you get the dog you need.” Meaning, if you ask for it, the Universe will send you whatever will teach you (not always in a pleasant way) where in your life you need to wake up and grow. And I can resent that wakeup call and be scared of it. Or I can acknowledge that I have space to grow. Allow it to push me to another level and demonstrate for our child a fantastic lesson on what it means to develop as a human being.